Angel: Trump just died. He believed in Christ. God: Put him and his coterie in EXTREME VETTING. POTUS (wiggles his big hands): am I dead? Hitler: yes; here are your knives to fit your big hands, for cutting big onions. Welcome to Heaven's Basement Kitchen. POTUS: why do I cut onions? Hitler: because you made everyone cry. POTUS: What do you do? Hitler: I run The Kitchen until one of your people, dies. POTUS: when can I run The Kitchen? Hitler: too late, you didn't torture millions. But it's not latrines: the false teachers, work those. POTUS: Latrines? Hitler: yes, your body is dual-natured, like Christ. POTUS: Christ? Hitler: oy, oy, oh, roof! Bible is in your head, learn it. Bannon (arrives): am I dead? Hitler: yes,thank Gott. Now peel these onions; when done, give each to POTUS 4 chopping. Stalin comes. [exit] Stalin (poof- enters) (POTUS and Bannon jump) I run Heaven's Basement Kitchen. Read the manuals in your heads. Your supervisor follows (poof-exit) CH (saunters in): Hi, I'm Chris Hitchens of Kitchens. (laughs) Bannon: An atheist? CH: at age 5 I believed He paid, like most Brits. POTUS: He? CH: Jesus Christ, the One Who Paid for your sins. POTUS: Oh. CH: your grandma taught you to believe in Him when you were a kid. Thus you are in Heaven. POTUS: Heaven's Basement Kitchen? CH: Yeah. We cook for Heaven's Basement. Big place. Millions. Bannon: same bodies? CH: No, we're in Earth mode Bannon: Huh? CH: Your body is same as Christ's. So your body can be in different modes: light, glory, Earth, etc. POTUS: but I have big hands! CH: you wanted them, so now you get them. POTUS: BIG HANDS. CH: so chop chop those onions. (POTUS chops) Bannon: Hitchens, how to change modes? CH: you're a spiritual baby, so you can't do it yourself. HE does it, like changing diapers. Bannon (nods,peels onions) POTUS: can I keep my BIG HANDS? CH: In Earth mode, yes. POTUS: I wanna stay in Earth Mode! CH: But for convocations, you will. Bannon: we're low on onions. CH: more 'appear' as needed. Bannon: Hitch, like loaves and fishes? CH: yay, you accessed Bible in your head! POTUS: Bible? CH: God's Word. It's in your head. Think 'Genesis'. (Pence arrives): I'm dead? CH: Hi, I'm Hitchens of Kitchens. Pence: The atheist? CH: Here are your knives to peel potatoes. POTUS (waves): BIG HANDS! Bannon(2Pence): it's K P for us, we spit on Bible. Pence: K P ? CH: Heaven's Basement Jankers, also known as Kitchen Patrol. Start peeling. POTUS (waves) BIG HANDS?! CH: I'll Be Back Later. See Bible in your head, Pence (saunters out). Pence (peels): Wow. Oh. I aborted Genesis 2 verse 7, for politics! (Bannon nods) POTUS: I LOVE MY BIG HANDS! Bannon: Did you see Revelation 17? Pence (eyes closed): 'Seven Mountains', is FAKE CHURCH? CH(saunters in): He's cleaning your House now. POTUS: with BIG HANDS! Pence (weary): how long, Hitch? CH: see Matthew 25 verse 12; clearing the chaff, until 2041. (Pence closes eyes) Bannon: Hitch, can we pray? CH: Sure. POTUS: with HANDS! Putin: Sergei, don't push.. where am I? CH: Heaven's Basement Kitchen. Putin (grins): oh I believed in Christ, to date her. POTUS (waves): HANDS. Putin: did Russia, or the US.. blow up? CH: no, nuke triggers were too rusty. Pence (to Putin): YOU FIRED? Putin: President Cruz fired first. POTUS: He has big hands. Putin: I told Sergei not to fire, but.. CH: he shot you in the back, then fired. Pence and Bannon: Sorry about that. POTUS: Me too. CH: It's OK now. Nukes fell deep into the Marianas trenches, together. (Pence, Bannon & Putin sigh) CH (gestures): Putin, you cut green peppers. POTUS: with his HANDS! CH: INCOMING! Cruz (arrives): wow, those new buckshot nukes, really work! CH: I'm Hitchens of Kitchens. Your dad's with the Seven Mountains false teachers, on latrines. POTUS (waves) Bannon: Cruz, wow, you shut down Government, after all?! Pence: so now, who survived? CH: well, a sinkhole sits where White House & Capitol Building once stood. POTUS (waves) Cruz: latrines, Hitchens? CH: Seven Mountains are as bad as the papal Good Friday lies. Your dad cleans latrines with the popes. POTUS: does he now have big hands? Cruz: Didn't I get a new body? CH: you did; dual-natured, like Christ. You're in Earth Mode, so need latrines. POTUS: Earth Mode, big hands! Cruz: May I change modes? CH: no, you are spiritually retarded, like popes. Latrine duty puns their lies about purgatory. God changes your mode. POTUS (waves) Putin: I'm running out of green peppers. CH: new ones appear as needed. Cruz: what do I chop? POTUS: my big hands chopped onions.. gone! Pence: potatoes gone.. oh, reappeared! (keeps peeling) CH: when they stop reappearing, cook has enough. Cruz: what do I chop? POTUS (waves) CH: Cruz, chop garlic, bacon & hash the potatoes that Pence peels. We make Potatoes O'Brian for the many INCOMING. Bannon: How many? CH: 531+staff POTUS (waves) Putin: Only four left in the Congressional group? Who are they? CH: Sasse, Flake, LindseyGraham & McCain; but the last two are now POTUS & VP . Think of Sodom& Gomorrah Putin: whew, then Russia still has a government. CH: well, no; it's 1991 all over again. Someone prayed for it. But no theft, as you had done. POTUS (waves) (Huge Pile of bacon appears. Then Ryan, McConnell & Reince arrive.) CH: Yay, right on time! I'm Hitchens of Kitchens. Start chopping bacon. POTUS (waves) Ryan, McConnell, Reince (in unison): this is Heaven? CH: Heaven's Basement Kitchen. Start chopping, with Cruz. (Cruz waves) Hi, guys. POTUS: Big hands! Ryan: where are the Catholics? CH: oh they're all down here, just like you; and now, they know better. Ryan: but you're atheist. CH: and you're not chopping bacon. Happy April Fool's Day. POTUS (waves)